subscribe: Posts | Comments      Facebook      Email Steve

Exposed: The secret Trump-Duterte tapes

1 comment


Filipino President Rodrigo Duterte has made international headlines with his inflammatory rhetoric, extra-judicial killings of drug dealers and users, and, most recently, his announced “severing of ties” with the U.S. (since walked back)—all of which makes Donald J. Trump his number one fan! Wikileaks has just published a recording made of a leaked telephone conversation between Duterte and the GOP standard-bearer. was lucky to obtain a link to the tape because a family member of mine works for Wikileaks. The conversation occurred on Oct. 17.

DJT: Hello? Hello? Kellyanne, I can’t hear a damn thing. Fix it.

RD: Hallo. Yes, this is President Duterte.

DJT: Mr. President! May I call you Rodrigo?

RD: Of course.

DJT: And please call me Donald.

RD: Yes, hello Donald, how are you?

DJT: Fantastic! Great! I love Filipinos! I employ many, many Filipinos in my hotels and casinos. Great workers! They never complain. And so pious! Like me, they are believers. A tremendous people. Nobody respects Filipinos more than me. And nobody turns down a bed like a Filipino! I love lumpia! We are going to win this election, you know.

RD: Yes, Donald. Here too in the Philippines we have the crooked rigged media.

DJT: I wanted to ask you some questions, Rodrigo, on how to govern when I am President.

RD: Certainly, my good friend, as you Americans say, “fire away,” haha!

DJT: Now, here in America, we also have a problem with drugs, especially with Mexicans. And this I can tell you, with all due respect, that it is a worse problem than it is in the Philippines. A huge problem. You have had great success in your war on drugs. I understand you’ve killed several thousand dealers.

RD: Well, not myself, personally, Donald. Just two or three. I am too busy with affairs of state to hunt those dogs down. But, yes, it is true that my security forces, and those Filipino citizens loyal to me, are doing great service to the nation by rubbing out these animals.

DJT: That’s what I’m talking about, Rodrigo! We have to get rid of the animals, too! Tell me, when your people are rubbing out the animals, do they sometimes make a mistake and shoot your political rivals as well?

RD: [giggles] Well, I’m not aware of any specific instances, Donald, but let me just say, it is not beyond the realm of possibility!

DJT: Because, just between me and you, Rodrigo, I would like to institute a similar program in the U.S., and if some of my enemies get caught in the crossfire, I wouldn’t exactly cry about it.

RD: I think I know to whom you are referring, Donald. A certain H.R.C., perhaps?

DJT: She’s crooked, you know, Rodrigo. Very crooked. Nasty, too. I call her “Imelda Rodham.” Of course, there are others who theoretically could be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Obama…Ryan…McCain…and that Michelle. She’s the worst, you know. Except for Hillary. She should be in jail!

RD: You know, Donald, we know how to deal with such people in the Philippines.

DJT: I wish things were that simple in the U.S., my friend, but we have too many crybabies in this country. They’re not tough enough. Not like you, Rodrigo, or my friend, Putin. Or Hitler, for that matter. Did you ever meet him?

RD: Who? Hitler?

DJT: No, no, Putin.

RD: I have not yet had the pleasure. But my new best friend forever, Chinese President Ji, has promised to introduce us.

DJT: You’ll love him, that I can tell you. What a guy! Maybe you can both visit me at Mar-a-Lago after I’m elected. We have a lovely beach. Putin loves taking off his clothes. He has a pretty good body, by the way. Nice abs. I used to have nice abs. Melania bought me a treadmill for my birthday, but to tell you the truth, I hate the damn thing. It’s impossible to tweet when you’re on a treadmill. Melania’s hot, though, don’t you think?

RD: Donald, she is what we call, in the Tagalog language, a MILF.

DJT: I’ll tell you, Rodrigo, if she was my wife, I’d do her.

RD: But Donald, she is your wife!

DJT: Oh, right, right. I was thinking of Ivanka. Say, tell me this, Rodrigo, do you have voter fraud in the Philippines?

RD: Oh, no, Donald, that is not a problem. We are a very law-abiding peoples.

DJT: Because we do. Massive. Huge. You wouldn’t believe it. And it’s all from the Democrats.

RD: How do you mean, Donald?

DJT: It’s rigged! They have Clinton people out in cemeteries, looking for dead people to vote. I read it on Twitter! Unbelievable, right? I know they’re planning on fixing the election, how much I don’t know, you tell me, but a lot. That I can tell you: a lot. Probably enough to take millions of votes away from me, especially in swing states. Rodrigo, maybe you can tell all the Filipino-Americans to vote for me.

RD: I will do my best, Donald.

DJT: All right! You are a good man, my friend. Let me know if you’re ever in New York. Steaks at Trump Tower! And don’t worry about the bill.

RD: Thank you, Donald. And let me wish you good luck with the election.

DJT: Thank you, Rodrigo. Hang in there, okay?

RD: Will do, Donald—or should I say, “Mister President”? [giggles]

  1. You should send a link to Lauren Michaels… no debate this week, they might need some material.

Leave a Reply


Recent Comments

Recent Posts