Ask The Wine Critic
Dear Mr. Critic:
Recently my boyfriend bought me a cheap bottle of wine for my birthday. I was very insulted, but I didn’t want to confront him because I love him and he’s good to me. How should I let him know he hurt my feeings?
Hurting in Pittsburg
Hurt him back. Hit him on the head with the bottle, then throw it in the garbage and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that it’s Screaming Eagle or no more nookie.
My roommate and I are having a little argument. I say Petrus is better than Cheval Blanc. He says the opposite. This is really destroying our relationship. We agreed to abide by your decision. So, wise one, which is better?
Roommates in Minneapolis
How long have you two been married? Because in every relationship, both sides have to give a little to get a little. Put aside this little squabble, get yourselves a bottle of gin, and watch E!’s latest on Lindsay Lohan.
Dear Most Esteemed Steve Critic:
What can you tell me about the taste of soil in wine?
Dear Most Esteemed Rajeev:
Not good. Try filtering the wine through cheesecloth. Good luck.
I’m one of those people that gets hopelessly confused in the wine aisle of the supermarket. I just don’t know what to buy! And the clerks are no help whatsoever! They are, like, totally clueless! I’ll be, like, standing there, looking all confused, and one of them will walk past me and I’ll say, like, “Can you help me? I’m having chicken tonight and–” but then usually he’ll, like, shrug his shoulders and tell me he doesn’t really work in the wine aisle, he’s just walking through to dairy. And I’ll ask if there’s somebody who does work in the wine aisle but by that time the guy is already gone, and so now I’m not only confused, I’m, like, angry too. I guess what I’m asking for is your expert advice on how to deal with my confusion and anger in the wine aisle.
Seriously in need of help in Los Angeles
Approximately 30 minutes before visiting the wine aisle, take two 5-mg. tablets of Diazepam (Valium), followed by a 5-mg. tablet of Vicodin. Wash them down with 3 shots of whiskey. You will feel much more relaxed, and, when you collapse in the wine aisle, I’m sure the clerks will be there for you.
Dear Bigshot Important Mr. Stupid Critic,
So this isnt a question, it’s a statemint. Why should anybody care about your stupid opinon anyhow? You should do something useful like being a plummer or fixing cars.
A Natural American Leader
Actually you did ask a question. The construction “Why should anybody care about your stupid opinon anyhow?” is an interrogatory, followed by a question mark, so your initial assertion that you were not asking a question is clearly false, which raises questions about your credibility, if not your sanity. As for my advice, try Googling “remedial reading and spelling” and look for results near your mental institution.
Mr. Wine Critic,
Why should I believe anything you say?
Because I’m an expert!
Why did the winemaker cross the road?
Curious in Duluth
I’m a wine critic, not Einstein. How the heck should I know?
What do you think of shelf talkers?
Wine Store Owner Thinking of Using Them
In general, I’m not in favor of talking shelves. Or any other talking inanimate objects. There’s enough talking in this world just coming from humans who think they have something to say.
I want to be a famous wine critic, be really rich, live in a mansion, have lots of babes and drive a Porsche. Any advice?
Sure! It’s easy as pie. Here’s what you do.
1. Rob Fort Knox and don’t get caught.
2. Sell the gold for cash.
3. Deposit $10 million in my Swiss bank account.
4. Then I will teach you how to become a wine critic! But you’re on your own with the babes.
Kids! If you have a question, just Ask The Wine Critic!