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Ask The Wine Critic

11 comments

Dear Mr. Critic:

Recently my boyfriend bought me a cheap bottle of wine for my birthday. I was very insulted, but I didn’t want to confront him because I love him and he’s good to me. How should I let him know he hurt my feeings?

Hurting in Pittsburg

Dear HIP,

Hurt him back. Hit him on the head with the bottle, then throw it in the garbage and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that it’s Screaming Eagle or no more nookie.

Dear Steve:

My roommate and I are having a little argument. I say Petrus is better than Cheval Blanc. He says the opposite. This is really destroying our relationship. We agreed to abide by your decision. So, wise one, which is better?

Roommates in Minneapolis

Dear RIM:

How long have you two been married? Because in every relationship, both sides have to give a little to get a little. Put aside this little squabble, get yourselves a bottle of gin, and watch E!’s latest on Lindsay Lohan.

Dear Most Esteemed Steve Critic:

What can you tell me about the taste of soil in wine?

Rajeev

Dear Most Esteemed Rajeev:

Not good. Try filtering the wine through cheesecloth. Good luck.

Hi Steve,

I’m one of those people that gets hopelessly confused in the wine aisle of the supermarket. I just don’t know what to buy! And the clerks are no help whatsoever! They are, like, totally clueless! I’ll be, like, standing there, looking all confused, and one of them will walk past me and I’ll say, like, “Can you help me? I’m having chicken tonight and–” but then usually he’ll, like, shrug his shoulders and tell me he doesn’t really work in the wine aisle, he’s just walking through to dairy. And I’ll ask if there’s somebody who does work in the wine aisle but by that time the guy is already gone, and so now I’m not only confused, I’m, like, angry too. I guess what I’m asking for is your expert advice on how to deal with my confusion and anger in the wine aisle.

Seriously in need of help in Los Angeles

Hi SINOHILA

Approximately 30 minutes before visiting the wine aisle, take two 5-mg. tablets of Diazepam (Valium), followed by a 5-mg. tablet of Vicodin. Wash them down with 3 shots of whiskey. You will feel much more relaxed, and, when you collapse in the wine aisle, I’m sure the clerks will be there for you.

Dear Bigshot Important Mr. Stupid Critic,

So this isnt a question, it’s a statemint. Why should anybody care about your stupid opinon anyhow? You should do something useful like being a plummer or fixing cars.

A Natural American Leader

Dear ANAL,

Actually you did ask a question. The construction “Why should anybody care about your stupid opinon anyhow?” is an interrogatory, followed by a question mark, so your initial assertion that you were not asking a question is clearly false, which raises questions about your credibility, if not your sanity. As for my advice, try Googling “remedial reading and spelling” and look for results near your mental institution.

Mr. Wine Critic,

Why should I believe anything you say?

Doubting Thomas

Dear DT,

Because I’m an expert!

Dear Steve,

Why did the winemaker cross the road?

Curious in Duluth

Dear CID,

I’m a wine critic, not Einstein. How the heck should I know?

Dear Critic:

What do you think of shelf talkers?

Wine Store Owner Thinking of Using Them

Dear WSOTOUT,

In general, I’m not in favor of talking shelves. Or any other talking inanimate objects. There’s enough talking in this world just coming from humans who think they have something to say.

Dear Steve,

I want to be a famous wine critic, be really rich, live in a mansion, have lots of babes and drive a Porsche. Any advice?

Wannabe Critic

Dear W.C.,

Sure! It’s easy as pie. Here’s what you do.

1.  Rob Fort Knox and don’t get caught.
2. Sell the gold for cash.
3. Deposit $10 million in my Swiss bank account.
4. Then I will teach you how to become a wine critic! But you’re on your own with the babes.

Kids! If you have a question, just Ask The Wine Critic!

  1. Steve Wino says:

    You missed the boat with your answer regarding the couple’s debate about the merits of Petrus v. Cheval Blanc. The correct answer was “Please send bottles of each and I will get back to you.”

  2. Savage Wine?
    Funny stuff.

    If ever need an international adviser please let me know. I’d love to bash moron and/or pedant customers and gluttonous bloggers.

  3. Terry Lozoff says:

    Dear Wine-man Steve,
    How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? On a similar note, how many bottles of wine will it take me to reach the point of uber wine knowledge where I will be able to review and talk about wine and fall into the “non-Joe-Blow-blogger” category you described in your post the other day? I’d like to start preparing my bank account for the road ahead.

    Thanks,
    Wine, whisky and beer guy in Boston

  4. Dear WWABGIB, the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

  5. “Why did the winemaker cross the road?”

    To get to the vineyard block on the other side is the usual reason. Otherwise we’d be driving.

  6. Steve, I needed a laugh today!
    Thanks, Marlene

  7. You are welcome Marlene! I did too.

  8. Dear Wine Critic,

    It’s a nasty and thankless job that you’ve undertaken, but somebody has to do it. You’re much better than most, including those who continue to call attention to themselves.

  9. I have several-

    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

    Do winemakers in Australia refer to the rest of the world as ‘up over’?

    Is French the only way they kiss in France?

    If we can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

    Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, shouldn’t there be a speed of smell?

    Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

  10. I say,let skip the dinky fall back and spring foward a measely hour each year. Lets just fall back a day every 24 years and we will all be younger. We can make up for it the next w4 years when we spring forward a whole day.

    I feel for the lady in the wine aisle. I see it whenever I am in a store that sells wine. I am used to talking to strangers, so I walk up to them and ask them what they are having for dinner. Chicken? Ahhhh… how is it being prepared and what else are you serving with it? Ahhhh…. How many people? Ahhh… And what time and what is the address? I have no plans for dinner tonight yet. Yes this beaujolais will go well the the roasted chicken with muchrooms and new potatos and baby limas…… 7ish?

  11. Way funny, Steve!!! The answer you gave to Doubting Thomas reminded me of the scene in Bottle Shock when Bill Pullman asked Alan Rickman, “Why don’t I like you?” To which Rickman replied, “Because you think I’m an [expletive], and because I’m British, and you’re not.” That had me rolling!

    Thanks for the laugh!

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