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New charity for ailing wine critics launches

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I can with pleasure announce that wine lovers can toast to the future health of their favorite wine critics this coming week at restaurants around the country, including Salud! in New York, Boulevard in San Francisco and Bouchon, in Napa Valley.

The event, which will be simulcast in all participating restaurants, will be produced by some of the leading Master Sommeliers and Masters of Wine in America. All proceeds will help to pay wine critics’ medical and psychological bills.

Patterned after a similar event to assist mixologists, the “Help Our Sick Critics” event reflects the increasing concern on the part of critics and those who love them about the many injuries wine reviewers sustain in the performance of their often back-breaking and stressful work.

“Wine critics have extremely difficult jobs,” explains Linda F. Mochaletto, a professor of sensory analysis at the University of Ontario. Various forms of repetitive stress injury involving wrists, fingers, elbows and shoulders often arise after a critic has spent years opening thousands of wine bottles. “We’re even seeing stress injuries of the thumb and forefinger in the case of twist-off screwtops,” Mochaletto says.

Chiropractors report increasing cases of severe back injury by critics who have to pick up heavy cases of wine. Other frequent causes of injury are skin cuts, sometimes severe, resulting from broken wine glasses or box cutters used to break down cardboard boxes for recycling. Doctors also report toe fractures caused by dropping said boxes on feet. There have even been reports of cancer caused by carcinogens found in the extruded styrofoam many wine bottles are packaged in.

Dr. Stanley F. Molar, a Philadelphia dentist, says that repeated tasting of wine can cause major damage to teeth, enamel and gums, a major problem since most wine critics are independent contractors who do not possess dental insurance. “I know of wine critics who ended up in the emergency room after extensive tasting of high-acid German wines,” he noted. Reports of tongue discoloration are not uncommon. One female wine critic was said to have tried to lighten her purple tongue by soaking it in hair dye, which caused internal injuries.

It’s not only physical injuries that can take their toll on wine critics. The psychological stress can be high. “I’ve had several nervous breakdowns in the performance of my job,” notes Steve Heimoff, a well-known Bay Area wine critic. “When I have to give low scores to winemakers I like, it causes me major angst. And don’t think it’s a picnic having to go to all those fancy-shmancy dinners, with their constant schmoozing. Sometimes all I want to do is chill at home over a nice beer and watch The History Channel. But, no, there’s another to-do in San Francisco. It’s very stressful.”

The events this coming week are expected to raise millions of dollars, which will be deposited into a bank. Ailing wine critics can apply for charitable medical awards by applying through this blog. The most miserable stories will receive top consideration.

  1. Raley Roger says:

    Step away from the cold medicine.

  2. Phil Grosse says:

    It’s the least we can do for our hard-working wine critics, who give us those nice scores so we know what we like!

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