Announcing the new “Voice of the People Worldwide Wine Awards Competition” exclusively on steveheimoff.com!
“This coming March marks the date of the most unique, relevant and extraordinary wine assessment and awards event – ever.” Ever! Since the Big Bang! Nothing like it in the frigging history of the universe!!!!!
With this breathless hyperventilation, the producers of the latest get-rich-quick “wine awards” gimmick announce yet another effort to “democratize” wine assessment by taking it away from — gasp! — evil experts like me and handing it over to that ever-popular bastion of populism — the Consumer!
We’re seeing these “consumer-judged wine competitions” multiply like e coli in a petrie dish in this post-recessionary day and age. It’s kind of like the People’s Choice Awards, which lets the great unwashed booboisie (thank you, H.L. Mencken) give the bird to the elitists at the Oscars, Emmies, Tonies, Golden Globes and Screen Actors Guild by letting “The People” choose their own favorites, thank you, instead of having it crammed down their throats (interesting metaphor) by “experts.”
Irruptions (as opposed to eruptions) of democratic populism usually arise when democracy is being taken away by the powers who decide how much democracy the American people ought to be allowed. It’s understandable that people should want a say over things; hence the new crop of “democratic” wine competitions. It’s equally understandable that, when there’s a demand for something, entrepreneurs will seek to supply it. In fact, the smartest entrepreneur will convince the public they need something they didn’t even know they lacked. (Which is why hair conditioner was invented.)
Do you think most wine consumers missed being able to vote for wine? I don’t. They didn’t think about it one way or the other. That was before Social Media arose and told everyone far and wide that the age of “the people” had finally arrived. At long last, humankind will shake off the oppression of authority and govern itself through pure, unbridled democracy. Why take the word of a parlauzeroffrob (neologism: ParkerLaubeTanzerHeimoffRobinson) when “the people” can collectively make its own determinations? It’s especially good when a businessman can make a few bucks by organizing the circus.
So I am announcing my new “Voice of the People Worldwide Wine Awards Competition” via this site. It will be the greatest, most comprehensive, trustworthy, fabulous, most objective, fairest, most amazing, glorious, spectacular, praiseworthy, etc. etc. event in History. (Well, with the possible exception of the invention of bacon.) And you, The People, can star! Just send me a check for $10 and on the back of the check write down your favorite wine. I will personally tally the results and announce them here. One check per nomination, please. If you wish to nominate a magnum it’s $20. But a half-bottle will only cost you $5.
Brave new world! Who cares if print is dead? Long live The People! I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank!