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It could happen…


From the American Association of Wine Economists

Dear wine friends,

The American Association of Wine Economists (AAWE) in collaboration with the Australian Agricultural and Resource Economics Society (AARES) is calling for papers for a workshop on “The world’s wine markets by 2030,” held in Adelaide, Australia, 7-9 February 2010.
Send a 1-page abstract to <> by 27 July 2009.

A fantasy

from the Beijing Times
June 11, 2030


Famous writer accused of “lack of transparency” and “humanoidal deviation” by bot24-J_2

Roberts, widely acknowledged as the most influential wine critic on Earth, the Moon and Mars, found himself in the crosshairs at the recent winebot conference, held in the Hubble Hotel some 600 miles in space.

The winebots are an increasingly influential group in wine criticism. These computerized androids argue that their robotic mental powers are more objective than those of critics who, like Roberts, were born human, and thus fall prey to “humanoidal deviation”. The point was driven home by the conference’s keynote speaker, bot24-J_2, who charged that because Roberts has no internal hard drive, “It’s not even clear how he’s making his judgments. His decision-making is utterly opaque and non-transparent.”

Roberts, reached at his villa, referred a caller to his Ethical Guidelines, which are posted on his blog, 1WineDude, said to be the longest-lasting wine blog in existence.

The much beloved “Andy Rooney of wine,” Steve Heimoff, weighed in on the brouhaha on his blog, where he wrote that winebots like bot24-J_2 “are the wave of the future, and we must respect them. However,” Mr. Heimoff added, “Joe Roberts can’t help it if he was born with a brain. Therefore, I think that bot24-J_2 was a little out of line.”

In other wine news, it is being reported that the last vineyard in Napa Valley is being replaced by a papaya plantation due to warming temperatures. A spokesperson for the plantation, who did not wish to be identified because he was not authorized to speak with the media, explained that the company plans to release a regular Napa Valley papaya and a Reserve Papaya, made from riper fruit and harvested by virgins. Meanwhile, Robert Mondavi Winery has announced the opening of its new tasting room and spa at the North Pole.

Wine 5.0 published its newest listing of the top wine-drinking countries:

1. China
2. India
3. Brazil
4. The European Union
5. The America-Canada Federation
6. The Russian Union
7. The United Moon Colonies
8. AustraloZealand
9. The United Mexican Republics of Central America
10. The Republic of California

Dept. of Tedium

Tish, whose brain is kept alive by evil scientists somewhere in an undisclosed location, has just issued his 1 billionth fatwah against the 100-point system, which actually stopped being used in the year 2019.

This just in: It has been confirmed that the one-trillionth Master Sommelier has just been named. Congratulations to bot24-J_2, of the United Moon Colonies.

  1. Nice. And congratulations to bot24-J_2 and to all of us who may still be alive in sunnier Republic of California, which by then will stretch all the way to Vancouver but will stop at Santa Barbara and also not include the Kingdom of Fred Franzia, which will have seceded from all other govts.

  2. Cute. Very Cute.
    How did Joe manage to finagle a villa if blogging is not moteizable in any significant way? It’s really a hobby and not REAL writing ( Since the only people who will pay for wine writing only dole out crumbs and, as we ALL know, bass players don’t get paid jack squat (Just ask Michael Anthony…) is Joe on the take?

  3. In other inwe news… Despite global warming have long turned once fertile farmland into arid dessert, California is *still* trying to make decent version of Riesling and Sangiovese.

    Er… wait… that’s actually happened already, hasn’t it?

    Thanks, Steve – this was a fun read. I’m not going to comment on the *quality* of the brain that I was born with, however… 🙂

  4. Excellent post. I would have loved to see more about how Joe’s taste-buds were under review for being flown around the world by the TTB (the only futuristic government agency with direct control over viticultural areas).

  5. Jeff A. says:

    And Bret Favre is weighing an offer to join the Anchorage Palms of the ATFL (Alaskan Tropical Football League).

  6. Charlie: The Kingdom of Franzia! Love it!

  7. While independent of all other governments and their various confederations, The Kingdom of Franzia now dominates sales to other countries. While the Vintners of Napa were unable to change their techniques to accommodate global warming, the Franzia vintners continued to apply their patented technology to both their viticultural practices and vinification while keeping costs low, producing wines that provided maximum pleasure to wine consumers. The wine experts were befuddled by this accomplishment, finding the Franzia wines without character and lacking any sense of terroir. “Consumers who are paying for their wine have been conned,” noted Arthur, the Wine Sooth, “They are drinking this plonk out of ignorance. We must redouble our efforts to disabuse them of their personal taste” he implored.

  8. It is Fred Franzia’s world. We are privileged to live in it.

  9. Steve and Tom–

    Let’s not get this wrong. It is The Kingdom of Fred Franzia. Calling it by anything less than that is like shortening California to Cali or San Francisco to Frisco.

    Please remember that in the Kingdom, Fred is King. The New Yorker mag has told us so. And Arthur, the Sooth, is on the spooth, and he knows that the terrior of King Freddie’s wares, is the unmistakeable mix of no flavor, residual sugar, high pH and low cost. He has replaced “let them eat cake” with “let them drink plonk”. I should have an many readers as he has fans.

    I did have one reader cancel his subscription because I told him that I disagreed in no uncertain terms with his assertion that Two-Buck Chuck Chardonnay was every bit as good as Ramey Chardonnay. Of course, he lived in Los Angeles, and we all know that LA became part of the Kingdom of Fred Franzia when the borders of California were redrawn.

  10. Steve,

    This blog thread may not have the legs of the Parker stomping, but it is funnier, and we can all use that. Thanks.


  11. Charlie, do you really think 2buck Chard is as good as Ramey (assuming you think Ramey is good)?

  12. Steve,

    So now you’re stealing my act? Be careful, I may just start scoring wines and writing short stories and let you tell the jokes.

    Sadly, the Kingdom of Fred Franzia was defeated by the Duchy of Grand Gallo in the Modesto-Lodi War of 2040. King Fred was ritually two bucked and chucked.

  13. In 1 parallel universe the two rival Kingdoms briefly united into the the Empire of Galzia which then was wiped out when the
    aizlaG fo eripmE hit it with an antimatter bomb

  14. Steve asks “Charlie, do you really think 2buck Chard is as good as Ramey (assuming you think Ramey is good)?”

    Jeez, did I say that? Or just the opposite? Has the Kingdom of Fred Franzia developed an anti-think mechanism aimed at winewriters in the East Bay.

    Note to Ron Washam. How much wine could a winechuck chuck if a winechuck could chuck wine?

  15. Steve, I read your post this morning and am just commenting now. Wanted to let you know that you gave me a huge chuckle at the top of my day. Great stuff!

  16. TBC chard is the best of that line up. Not too generic or innocuous. Maybe the judges were saying something?….

  17. Clever writing and fun perspective on the future. Although now that I can put suspension of disbelief aside, I must say at the rate of our current space program I question terra-forming Mars and the Moon in the next 21 years. Though would I ever love to see it. Vacation to Mars Governor of California-style anyone?

  18. Mia Malm says:

    Steve, this is the best laugh I’ve had all week. Brilliant fun! Thanks.


  1. Wine Blog of the Month! | 1 Wine Dude - [...] Dude Steve Heimoff.  Yesterday, Steve indulged in a bit of crystal ball prophesying titled “It could happen…”, in which…

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